Why wont you come over here, we've got a city to love.

Today was one of those days that starts off sleeping late, all chilled out and ends in a way you never expected it to. I love those nights.

So after a massive rib feast at spur with Ross, we picked megan and ginge up to take a drive. Called up Bruce, got 5grams and went up signal hill. I rolled a massive joint, seriously it was fucking colossal. It kinda looked like a bouquet of roses, one of those pineapple express joints. We whipped out the sex camera and had a few laughs. It was a good night. We even dropped by Lauren's place, shes hot. Kinda weird cause she's megans sister, but she has a cute teagan&sara hair cut.

I smoked so much, even a bit out of the multi coloured pipe we take everywhere but im not too high. But im probably rambling on about that.

3more days untill christmas, i love the holidays. If only i was back in argentina it would amazing.

Im going to read 'Looking for Alaska' again, just cause i read some quote from a chicks blog and remembered how awesome that book is.

Im in bed, ipod blaring in my hears, the strokes are litteraly pasturing my entire body. Juicebox has got to be my favourite song, happy song. Besides any of the xx or Matt&Kim. Why the fuck can i only play the violin? Its an utterly pathetic instrument compared to piano or guitar.

Blogging kinda high is a daft thing cause if i dont have much of an inspiration i just talk a whole bunch of shit, jumping from one thought to another in the whole city of musings my head holds.

Goodnight world, see you in the morning with a cigarette and a roadtrip to see stacey since she got kicked out her house.

xxx

my daisychain.

Sometimes i feel so socially awkward, and not with guys, more with girls. Actually only with you.

I so badly want to talk to you, and show you that we have so much in common yet i sit there like a mute retard, it's just so fucking stupid. I want to get to know you and share my secrets, i want to laugh with you. Thats what girls do right? I think. I mean i do that with my friends but, with you i dont know what my liking towards you is.

But im so hopelessly awkward around you while you exude the most intrigueing confidence and smell of sweet magnetism. Your allure seems to leave my heart beating in my throat.

I can't be myself around you, it's not that i think you wont fancy me but im too scared to try so now you probably think im boring and shy. I swear, im not.

FUCKSAKES, you intimidate me. A considerable amount.

If people were rain, i'd be drizzle and you'd be a hurricane.

Heart in a cage.

I was drunk, the night was ending, beach sand, waves crashing, blunts rotating, and moon lit air made you look unbelievably attractive. So i grabbed your hand, it was warm and sweaty, you just laughed and fell onto me. So i kissed you, but not like i'd kiss anybody, but like you were about to run away. You kissed back, with force. Your lips were hard, but the softest at the same time. Your mouth was wet, and cold. It was good. Naughty. Wrong. But oh so good.

Then, i floated away. And no longer had control.

Juicebox.

Its been weeks. Good weeks. I've been far too busy to post, endless intoxication and just pure bliss. Schools out, i get to spend so much time with ross, everyday infact, i haven't left his side since my last exam practically.

Days and days with friends, goin away to langebaan. That was the best infact most freaking awesome way to start summer vaca. Tequila is starting to taste like an odd lemon juice. Haha, wait that sounds a tad alcoholic.

Everythings great, and this post is gonna be like a darn thesis if i thoroughly catch up where i left off. So just know, im happy, things are good. I love life.
And im slowly moving on, it shows when we go out, like last night at La med, i wasn't too bothered with him, i could actually have my own fun.

When a girl you once knew becomes gilded.

Oh and listen to The Zutons and The Strokes, im pretty much in lesbians with them right now.

My mission to get Kings of Leon tickets are looking up!

I'll start posting more often, but the holiday keeps me occupied. I'll try.

I've lost myself.

Shut the fuck up. Seriously.

You are so damn irritating, im going to pull my hair out.

Stop talking, stop lecturing, stop trying to dictate. Its my life.

I can't wait to leave, to get out of this place. To live on my own.

I can't wait for Freedom.

backstage sluts double drop.

im getting giddy thinking about this weekend, its spring tide. party on the beach, camps bay. i made my own high waisted denim shorts out of moms old jeans from the sixties. they look cool. everybody around me - as in my friends, not the rest of these screwballs- are so pretty. not that im shallow or superficial, im just happy they're all so stunning.

im in a happy mood today. im bunking my life skills class, it's pathetic anyway.

ross is coming by after school and we had a cryptic heart-to-heart last night so i want to talk to him. its easy to talk to him. i just say everything and anything.

even the thinhgs i don't admit to myself.

i just want to put on something other than this hideous flowery dress, indulge in something alcoholic, talk and laugh and be with my friends. oh and a dunhill would be swell. a whole box would actually be a slap-up.

xx



This abuse feels like home.

The past weekend's been very busy, eventful, fun even. Actually shockingly lurid.

The mexican kitchen was, well thinking about it now makes me want to go back and just eat all their food. Rafiki's was well everybody knows how that is. Fun. And then marissa and i went to claremont. Tanta and tin roof was unhinged.

Needless to say i was intoxicated for most of my weekend as usual. I might just have a little situation on my hand.

I think that ross did a few demented things this weekend, like intentional alcohol poisoning to see if i'd care enough to tell him to stop before he jumped off a really high balcony. But, it was stupid. So i just told him to be less of a nitwitted bonehead. One i actually care enough about to stick around for.

I always moan, and talk about him. But i guess this is why i started this. To aimlessly babble about the bullshit nobody else wants to hear about all the time. Sometimes i can't verbalize any of this anyway and when i sit and write it just comes naturally. This will be my place to come and be elated and euphoric or wistful and deplorable. This will be my kitschy place.



Linger.

I haven't been here for awhile and so much as happened.

We broke up, and it felt like things were falling apart. But when everything you've ever wanted can be epitomised by one person, its inevitable that you're going to give into them. That they'll win, that you gonna have no more strength left to fight against what both of you want. And, even though he fucked up, whats the point of not being together if you know that nobody else will ever match up or come close to them? Right?

Or have i slipped back into the naively stupified by love state that i worked so so hard to climb out of?

What you won't do, do for love. You've tried everything, but you don't give up...i've been listening to this song all of last week. Tupac's made nostolgia a whole new emotion.

When you break up with somebody but still spend everyday with them, it doesn't really serve the same purpose, so i give up. Im yours.

The good ones.

They say that its your heart thats suppose to be broken or hurt but i feel like my whole body is broken. It aches and i cant make it stop. My heart is pounding so hard that i cant think straight, every shiver makes me well up again. I have this deep pulling sensation on my chest and i cant breathe. Im choking on my tears.

I've always knew, yet today i decided to admit it to myself. Im probably growing up right? Everybody lies, everybody hurts you. Why did i even think that there was a slight possibility that he was even a tad different?

Its over.

Phantom limb.

I feel like im screaming. Im screaming so loud but you're not listening. None of you are. Maybe you just don't hear me, maybe you don't want to hear, maybe im chaffy.

I can't anymore, i can't keep on trying when i know its all just in vain.

These thoughts keep swimming around my head, i want them to get out, to go away and let me be happy.

Let me be oblivious to whats dragging me down. Down to where i don't want to be. Where i really won't have anybody but myself cause really? Who wants to be dispirited and gloomy, rock bottom with anybody when you can be towering and intoxicated on life with somebody else. If i had you, i wouldn't ever be melancholic.

Around you im all giddy and rhapsodical , so listening to me. Hear me. I just want to talk. No more screaming. Lets just be us together.

NO WOW.

i feel alone. all alone in the mesh of us.

 i know i shouldn't but you just don't give me enough. you say you're giving me all of you and i guess i just don't believe you. you probably shouldn't anyway. i'll take and take from you trying to make you more mine but like everything else, i'll fuck this up. i want too much, even if i don't give any of me back to you.

 i always end up breaking you down, making you feel worthless. i won't allow myself to feel any hurt so i make you the object of all my attention.

 i obsess. it eats at me, tearing away bits of whatever i have left inside. i try to talk to anyone but just lie again. they don't care. they ask, they pretend to listen, they're all just here around me but don't even know me. so i build my walls. indestructable barriers. you think that i let you in, a little maybe. but you're wrong. i didn't let you in, nobody ever really knows everything. sure you know snippits but i don't let you completely in. you'll just hurt me, then leave.

so i won't give you anything to take with you when you go. 

Infectious laugh.

I've been dating ross for 3years and 3months now. I've never been in a relationship for this long. Ever. I mean, i use to date alot, and alot at the same time. It was fun, frolicky, devilish even.

I want that again, not feeling too much for anybody so i couldn't be touched, i couldn't be hurt. I couldn't be phased. I was the one hurting, lying, mind fucking everybody else. It was what i was good at.

Now im just a sucker for him. I act so lunatic at times that i sit and actually ask my self what the hell were you thinking when you did that or said those idiotic things. Im a dork, completely and utterly stupefied for love.

My point is that for him, i do the most anserine things. Im plummy and its hapless. Pathetic. Silly. Wretched.

Im damaged.

Damn you.

last day of magic.

I have a burning desire to sink my teeth into something dangerous. Go out on a limb and dive into black atmosphere.

Meddle with destiny and tamper with time. Chase the road until i reach the edge of the earth. Drink the sky and exhale heaven.

I want to avoid caution and welcome carelessness with open arms. Break the chains of obedience and submerge myself into rebellion. Anticipation pulses in my fingertips.

Waiting - Wanting - Watching.

I'll step into the fiery lights of jeopardy and grin in the face of fate.

I can't give it up, to someone else's touch-because i care to much.

No more hanging around, being able to do anything you want, anytime. Holiday - over. C'est tres deprement!!!

I've had quite a swell time the past couple of days. I went to my brother on wednesday, boys' varsity res's are cool. Well when they walk into rooms with towels flashing abs. Thursday with bronwin, my rather older sister was the best. She makes me happy, well atleast now that i don't live with her. I guess time together makes us fight.

Megan got her own car, so she took nicola and i up to signal hill, that pathetic excuse for a hike killed me, it was probably only like a 100m. We decided that smoking a J up there would be fit. We drove around town, bought some 6packs, picked up ross and got drinking. We were quite tiddly before 12pm no wait was it 2? I dont know, inebriated nonetheless. It was quite a successful afternoon. We probably should have stopped there cause we all had major downer's after that.

The rest of the weekend was decent, well more than that. Ross and i blew up an air-o-space mattress, threw it into the pool. We caught some really award winning tans. Im falling in love all over again, cliche or not i don't care. I can't remember what i did when i didn't know him. Smitten once again, not that i ever wasn't.

Lifes good, for now. Im happy. And him, his just toying with my mind. Giving me options didn't make me think about him, it just drove me back to what i knew i wanted. I don't want him, i don't even fancy him a tiny bit. When you've been with somebody that makes your entire world seem like a big playground or make you exceedingly happy , you can't go back to mediocrity. Chaste, plain, featureless, you.

Chinese children.

Mom's capped the internet. The reason for me not blogging so often. It's ridiculous, im the only one that uses it so how could i have killed all those bytes. I get carried away on the superficial world of the web. Not at all in a weird -i sit behind my computer all day - way.

My lifes been one big rush the past few weeks. And the next couple of days getting off is going to be grand. I've been with ross alot, when i say alot i mean everyday. We're patching it up, whatever it is. We have to fix it, because no matter how hard i try to convince myself that i don't need to be with him. I know its all i have. And if he wasn't there, what would there be?
Maybe thats just be drinking myself into a stupor, drinking in all of him. And some liquor too.

Im posting from ross's bed, from my mobile. I need to get my shit sorted out and get these here posts looking dandy.

Im going to fall asleep listening to Simon & Garfunkle. Never fails to let me slip away.

Cold water.

Taking a whole lot of shots before 12pm , just because of something that might not even be true made you happy, probably wasn't a good idea. When i stopped having any feeling in my lips, i took another few shots of that olmeca gold.

I had to celebrate the thing that made me completely ecstatic, nobody except ross knows why, but thats not the point. I had to do it before something more realistic happens and i get slapped back into this world of shittyness.

Things that seem too good to be true -more often than not- usually are. Atleast to me, thats been happening everyday, losing the most important things because they were all little fabrications.

When will something amazing happen? That actually isn't just ways to make other people feel better.

Untill reality sets in, im trigger happy.

y'all wanna single say fuck that.

i have the worst headache, it feels like a gigantic troll is attempting to eat its way out of my head.

i have never laughed as much as i did this weekend, about goosey things. Lee completely high, in the dark, scared as hell, i couldn't contain myself. im so scared of the dark, add intoxication to that and you wouldn't even begin to comprehend how much of a retard i was, on a colossal level. I never do things with Lee, on the weekend, just the two of us but i think i should more often because it was a swell night.
sleeping in one sleeping bag, outside, in the beginging of spring was a bonehead idea. i froze my ass off. not even cuddling with lee helped. good night nonetheless.

sweet delirium.

No matter how hard i try to make it better. I cant.

Theres always gonna be something else, another thing you succumb to. Another thing that trumps me. And to be honest, i dont want it. I dont want to be second to anything else. I want as much from you as i give to you.

Seeing you doesn't seem to help, cause your words, your smile, your hungry kisses, your slightest touch lets me fall back into the sweet delirium that just having you suffices.

But it doesn't. Not anymore.

And now this? Again. Its ripping me apart.

When its all over and done. I need to see beyond my trivial reasoning.

she's exspensive.

come on pretty girl, don't pretend you want her, that what you have with her is better than what we had.

she can't make you feel that way, she can't make you forget, she can't even make you happy. really happy. the way i do.

don't pretend when you don't have to.

is she really that peachy?
is she really better?
can you sing with her?
can you dance with her?
can she even make you laugh?

come steal kisses with me and let her go.

she's nothing but a lousy substitute.

you know i'm such a fool for you.

charmer.

poppycock

how do you know if you're going crazy or not? if your delusional or if you're in your own make belief world of nothing? surely if you're thinking about what crazy is, you can't be. or that if you're still sane enough to think about insanity you're still normal. what is normal? or that you can still comprehend the fact that whatever you're thinking about is pretty fucked up. right??

i wanna get out of my damn head.

no way no how.

yesterday i got home after school, a tad moody, not wanting to elaborate on my days happenings and why i wasn't "happy-go-lucky". mom thought that Ross broke up with me?? haha and when i told her it wasn't ross and that im fine and that she should leave and let me sprawl across my bed with my book, she suggested not ignoring teenage depression. it leads to sex or suicide. seriously mom? keep your pills and idiotic comments to yourself. 

The loneliness of the outdoor smoker.

Its so hot today. I smell cucumber-ish, its my deodrant, the new one. Its so fresh. Im subconsciously trying to energize myself. With summer fresh deodrant. Ok. It does make me sound weird.

Putting on my floral summer dress after school today made me a bit chirpy. It makes me litteraly want to dance, even though i have nothing to dance about.

I have nothing looming in my head that i need to hastily write down and post. Im just in a state of not caring? There should be a better word for that. I wish i cared though. Since its exams in a few days. Since i haven't spoken to you in a couple of days. Since im losing all traces of my friendship with her. Since i have that thing, little but so HUGE at the same time type of thing that keeps tugging at me, reminding me of you. Of what could be, sweet sweet disposition.

Mxit isn't working. How pathetic that its bothering me. A mobile social network has consumed me. I'll just phone you instead.

Yesterday nicola showed courtney and i these really weird subliminal messages disney movies have. Like the words 'sex' and pictures of penises hidden in movies like the lion king and the little mermaid and aladan etc. In ad's its suppose to make it subconsciously more appealing. Its pretty sick, kiddy movies, what the hell. Seriously though, youtube it. Its kinda cool.

pretty pretty boy.

yes, i think one of these babies will be my first car, sure its old and outdated and probably hazzardous but im in love.

I know it's over.

I literally detest mondays.

I was meant to spend all day studying biology and math, instead i watched an episode of entourage. One became two, two became a whole season.

And i dont give a fuck anymore. About work, about my future, about varsity.

So much for motivation, or lack thereof.

I want to pack a suitcase, take a bunch of my mates, and go to mexico.

aren't these little mexicans wonderful???

Human of the year.

You know when you throw every bitching accusation at somebody in an attempt to make yourself feel better by them feeling bad and then they go and admitt to all of it in a second without even trying to defend themselves or give me the satisfaction of them feeling any remorse for whatever it might have been that pissed me off.

Well i hate when that happens, and you- smartass, do it all the time.

I love how when im not feeling jolly and chirpy, my friends dont skip to me smiling. We're all so in sync. Its weirdly refreshing and kind of emo, haha, who cares. But how about just not eating? yes, my pretty red head and i will conquer.

Oh, and happy spring to everybody. Its just that much closer to summer, a season that makes me happy just laying outside.

Take away the lump in my throat. Slow down my pulse.

When i have that gut feeling, its almost always right.

It always consists of you either lying or right out hurting me, not physically, but you might aswel pick up a brick and slam it into my face. It still wouldn't come close to what im feeling now.

Why? Why do you conjure up little fictitious stories or alibis, what the fuck happened to honesty? Seriously? When did people stop knowing how to ever tell the truth.

Avoiding me, pretending you dont get those calls and texts, all that doesn't do anything but postpone the inevitable.

You having to tell me the truth.

Its pathetic. Its stupid. Its pretentious.

I dont wanna sit here waiting for you. Anticipating. Playing out all different situations and things i'd say. I dont wanna feel this way. Lied to. betrayed. Hurt.

Stop wanting to keep this, us, perfect, cause we arent. You arent. I see that now, you're just another jerk. Just another person i dont wanna give myself to. Except i'v already giving you all of me, and i dont know how to hate you. I love you.

Anymore of this, you, and i'll be numbed into oblivion.