I've lost myself.

Shut the fuck up. Seriously.

You are so damn irritating, im going to pull my hair out.

Stop talking, stop lecturing, stop trying to dictate. Its my life.

I can't wait to leave, to get out of this place. To live on my own.

I can't wait for Freedom.

backstage sluts double drop.

im getting giddy thinking about this weekend, its spring tide. party on the beach, camps bay. i made my own high waisted denim shorts out of moms old jeans from the sixties. they look cool. everybody around me - as in my friends, not the rest of these screwballs- are so pretty. not that im shallow or superficial, im just happy they're all so stunning.

im in a happy mood today. im bunking my life skills class, it's pathetic anyway.

ross is coming by after school and we had a cryptic heart-to-heart last night so i want to talk to him. its easy to talk to him. i just say everything and anything.

even the thinhgs i don't admit to myself.

i just want to put on something other than this hideous flowery dress, indulge in something alcoholic, talk and laugh and be with my friends. oh and a dunhill would be swell. a whole box would actually be a slap-up.

xx



This abuse feels like home.

The past weekend's been very busy, eventful, fun even. Actually shockingly lurid.

The mexican kitchen was, well thinking about it now makes me want to go back and just eat all their food. Rafiki's was well everybody knows how that is. Fun. And then marissa and i went to claremont. Tanta and tin roof was unhinged.

Needless to say i was intoxicated for most of my weekend as usual. I might just have a little situation on my hand.

I think that ross did a few demented things this weekend, like intentional alcohol poisoning to see if i'd care enough to tell him to stop before he jumped off a really high balcony. But, it was stupid. So i just told him to be less of a nitwitted bonehead. One i actually care enough about to stick around for.

I always moan, and talk about him. But i guess this is why i started this. To aimlessly babble about the bullshit nobody else wants to hear about all the time. Sometimes i can't verbalize any of this anyway and when i sit and write it just comes naturally. This will be my place to come and be elated and euphoric or wistful and deplorable. This will be my kitschy place.



Linger.

I haven't been here for awhile and so much as happened.

We broke up, and it felt like things were falling apart. But when everything you've ever wanted can be epitomised by one person, its inevitable that you're going to give into them. That they'll win, that you gonna have no more strength left to fight against what both of you want. And, even though he fucked up, whats the point of not being together if you know that nobody else will ever match up or come close to them? Right?

Or have i slipped back into the naively stupified by love state that i worked so so hard to climb out of?

What you won't do, do for love. You've tried everything, but you don't give up...i've been listening to this song all of last week. Tupac's made nostolgia a whole new emotion.

When you break up with somebody but still spend everyday with them, it doesn't really serve the same purpose, so i give up. Im yours.

The good ones.

They say that its your heart thats suppose to be broken or hurt but i feel like my whole body is broken. It aches and i cant make it stop. My heart is pounding so hard that i cant think straight, every shiver makes me well up again. I have this deep pulling sensation on my chest and i cant breathe. Im choking on my tears.

I've always knew, yet today i decided to admit it to myself. Im probably growing up right? Everybody lies, everybody hurts you. Why did i even think that there was a slight possibility that he was even a tad different?

Its over.

Phantom limb.

I feel like im screaming. Im screaming so loud but you're not listening. None of you are. Maybe you just don't hear me, maybe you don't want to hear, maybe im chaffy.

I can't anymore, i can't keep on trying when i know its all just in vain.

These thoughts keep swimming around my head, i want them to get out, to go away and let me be happy.

Let me be oblivious to whats dragging me down. Down to where i don't want to be. Where i really won't have anybody but myself cause really? Who wants to be dispirited and gloomy, rock bottom with anybody when you can be towering and intoxicated on life with somebody else. If i had you, i wouldn't ever be melancholic.

Around you im all giddy and rhapsodical , so listening to me. Hear me. I just want to talk. No more screaming. Lets just be us together.

NO WOW.

i feel alone. all alone in the mesh of us.

 i know i shouldn't but you just don't give me enough. you say you're giving me all of you and i guess i just don't believe you. you probably shouldn't anyway. i'll take and take from you trying to make you more mine but like everything else, i'll fuck this up. i want too much, even if i don't give any of me back to you.

 i always end up breaking you down, making you feel worthless. i won't allow myself to feel any hurt so i make you the object of all my attention.

 i obsess. it eats at me, tearing away bits of whatever i have left inside. i try to talk to anyone but just lie again. they don't care. they ask, they pretend to listen, they're all just here around me but don't even know me. so i build my walls. indestructable barriers. you think that i let you in, a little maybe. but you're wrong. i didn't let you in, nobody ever really knows everything. sure you know snippits but i don't let you completely in. you'll just hurt me, then leave.

so i won't give you anything to take with you when you go. 

Infectious laugh.

I've been dating ross for 3years and 3months now. I've never been in a relationship for this long. Ever. I mean, i use to date alot, and alot at the same time. It was fun, frolicky, devilish even.

I want that again, not feeling too much for anybody so i couldn't be touched, i couldn't be hurt. I couldn't be phased. I was the one hurting, lying, mind fucking everybody else. It was what i was good at.

Now im just a sucker for him. I act so lunatic at times that i sit and actually ask my self what the hell were you thinking when you did that or said those idiotic things. Im a dork, completely and utterly stupefied for love.

My point is that for him, i do the most anserine things. Im plummy and its hapless. Pathetic. Silly. Wretched.

Im damaged.

Damn you.

last day of magic.

I have a burning desire to sink my teeth into something dangerous. Go out on a limb and dive into black atmosphere.

Meddle with destiny and tamper with time. Chase the road until i reach the edge of the earth. Drink the sky and exhale heaven.

I want to avoid caution and welcome carelessness with open arms. Break the chains of obedience and submerge myself into rebellion. Anticipation pulses in my fingertips.

Waiting - Wanting - Watching.

I'll step into the fiery lights of jeopardy and grin in the face of fate.

I can't give it up, to someone else's touch-because i care to much.

No more hanging around, being able to do anything you want, anytime. Holiday - over. C'est tres deprement!!!

I've had quite a swell time the past couple of days. I went to my brother on wednesday, boys' varsity res's are cool. Well when they walk into rooms with towels flashing abs. Thursday with bronwin, my rather older sister was the best. She makes me happy, well atleast now that i don't live with her. I guess time together makes us fight.

Megan got her own car, so she took nicola and i up to signal hill, that pathetic excuse for a hike killed me, it was probably only like a 100m. We decided that smoking a J up there would be fit. We drove around town, bought some 6packs, picked up ross and got drinking. We were quite tiddly before 12pm no wait was it 2? I dont know, inebriated nonetheless. It was quite a successful afternoon. We probably should have stopped there cause we all had major downer's after that.

The rest of the weekend was decent, well more than that. Ross and i blew up an air-o-space mattress, threw it into the pool. We caught some really award winning tans. Im falling in love all over again, cliche or not i don't care. I can't remember what i did when i didn't know him. Smitten once again, not that i ever wasn't.

Lifes good, for now. Im happy. And him, his just toying with my mind. Giving me options didn't make me think about him, it just drove me back to what i knew i wanted. I don't want him, i don't even fancy him a tiny bit. When you've been with somebody that makes your entire world seem like a big playground or make you exceedingly happy , you can't go back to mediocrity. Chaste, plain, featureless, you.