Chinese children.

Mom's capped the internet. The reason for me not blogging so often. It's ridiculous, im the only one that uses it so how could i have killed all those bytes. I get carried away on the superficial world of the web. Not at all in a weird -i sit behind my computer all day - way.

My lifes been one big rush the past few weeks. And the next couple of days getting off is going to be grand. I've been with ross alot, when i say alot i mean everyday. We're patching it up, whatever it is. We have to fix it, because no matter how hard i try to convince myself that i don't need to be with him. I know its all i have. And if he wasn't there, what would there be?
Maybe thats just be drinking myself into a stupor, drinking in all of him. And some liquor too.

Im posting from ross's bed, from my mobile. I need to get my shit sorted out and get these here posts looking dandy.

Im going to fall asleep listening to Simon & Garfunkle. Never fails to let me slip away.

Cold water.

Taking a whole lot of shots before 12pm , just because of something that might not even be true made you happy, probably wasn't a good idea. When i stopped having any feeling in my lips, i took another few shots of that olmeca gold.

I had to celebrate the thing that made me completely ecstatic, nobody except ross knows why, but thats not the point. I had to do it before something more realistic happens and i get slapped back into this world of shittyness.

Things that seem too good to be true -more often than not- usually are. Atleast to me, thats been happening everyday, losing the most important things because they were all little fabrications.

When will something amazing happen? That actually isn't just ways to make other people feel better.

Untill reality sets in, im trigger happy.

y'all wanna single say fuck that.

i have the worst headache, it feels like a gigantic troll is attempting to eat its way out of my head.

i have never laughed as much as i did this weekend, about goosey things. Lee completely high, in the dark, scared as hell, i couldn't contain myself. im so scared of the dark, add intoxication to that and you wouldn't even begin to comprehend how much of a retard i was, on a colossal level. I never do things with Lee, on the weekend, just the two of us but i think i should more often because it was a swell night.
sleeping in one sleeping bag, outside, in the beginging of spring was a bonehead idea. i froze my ass off. not even cuddling with lee helped. good night nonetheless.

sweet delirium.

No matter how hard i try to make it better. I cant.

Theres always gonna be something else, another thing you succumb to. Another thing that trumps me. And to be honest, i dont want it. I dont want to be second to anything else. I want as much from you as i give to you.

Seeing you doesn't seem to help, cause your words, your smile, your hungry kisses, your slightest touch lets me fall back into the sweet delirium that just having you suffices.

But it doesn't. Not anymore.

And now this? Again. Its ripping me apart.

When its all over and done. I need to see beyond my trivial reasoning.

she's exspensive.

come on pretty girl, don't pretend you want her, that what you have with her is better than what we had.

she can't make you feel that way, she can't make you forget, she can't even make you happy. really happy. the way i do.

don't pretend when you don't have to.

is she really that peachy?
is she really better?
can you sing with her?
can you dance with her?
can she even make you laugh?

come steal kisses with me and let her go.

she's nothing but a lousy substitute.

you know i'm such a fool for you.

charmer.

poppycock

how do you know if you're going crazy or not? if your delusional or if you're in your own make belief world of nothing? surely if you're thinking about what crazy is, you can't be. or that if you're still sane enough to think about insanity you're still normal. what is normal? or that you can still comprehend the fact that whatever you're thinking about is pretty fucked up. right??

i wanna get out of my damn head.

no way no how.

yesterday i got home after school, a tad moody, not wanting to elaborate on my days happenings and why i wasn't "happy-go-lucky". mom thought that Ross broke up with me?? haha and when i told her it wasn't ross and that im fine and that she should leave and let me sprawl across my bed with my book, she suggested not ignoring teenage depression. it leads to sex or suicide. seriously mom? keep your pills and idiotic comments to yourself. 

The loneliness of the outdoor smoker.

Its so hot today. I smell cucumber-ish, its my deodrant, the new one. Its so fresh. Im subconsciously trying to energize myself. With summer fresh deodrant. Ok. It does make me sound weird.

Putting on my floral summer dress after school today made me a bit chirpy. It makes me litteraly want to dance, even though i have nothing to dance about.

I have nothing looming in my head that i need to hastily write down and post. Im just in a state of not caring? There should be a better word for that. I wish i cared though. Since its exams in a few days. Since i haven't spoken to you in a couple of days. Since im losing all traces of my friendship with her. Since i have that thing, little but so HUGE at the same time type of thing that keeps tugging at me, reminding me of you. Of what could be, sweet sweet disposition.

Mxit isn't working. How pathetic that its bothering me. A mobile social network has consumed me. I'll just phone you instead.

Yesterday nicola showed courtney and i these really weird subliminal messages disney movies have. Like the words 'sex' and pictures of penises hidden in movies like the lion king and the little mermaid and aladan etc. In ad's its suppose to make it subconsciously more appealing. Its pretty sick, kiddy movies, what the hell. Seriously though, youtube it. Its kinda cool.

pretty pretty boy.

yes, i think one of these babies will be my first car, sure its old and outdated and probably hazzardous but im in love.

I know it's over.

I literally detest mondays.

I was meant to spend all day studying biology and math, instead i watched an episode of entourage. One became two, two became a whole season.

And i dont give a fuck anymore. About work, about my future, about varsity.

So much for motivation, or lack thereof.

I want to pack a suitcase, take a bunch of my mates, and go to mexico.

aren't these little mexicans wonderful???

Human of the year.

You know when you throw every bitching accusation at somebody in an attempt to make yourself feel better by them feeling bad and then they go and admitt to all of it in a second without even trying to defend themselves or give me the satisfaction of them feeling any remorse for whatever it might have been that pissed me off.

Well i hate when that happens, and you- smartass, do it all the time.

I love how when im not feeling jolly and chirpy, my friends dont skip to me smiling. We're all so in sync. Its weirdly refreshing and kind of emo, haha, who cares. But how about just not eating? yes, my pretty red head and i will conquer.

Oh, and happy spring to everybody. Its just that much closer to summer, a season that makes me happy just laying outside.