Take away the lump in my throat. Slow down my pulse.

When i have that gut feeling, its almost always right.

It always consists of you either lying or right out hurting me, not physically, but you might aswel pick up a brick and slam it into my face. It still wouldn't come close to what im feeling now.

Why? Why do you conjure up little fictitious stories or alibis, what the fuck happened to honesty? Seriously? When did people stop knowing how to ever tell the truth.

Avoiding me, pretending you dont get those calls and texts, all that doesn't do anything but postpone the inevitable.

You having to tell me the truth.

Its pathetic. Its stupid. Its pretentious.

I dont wanna sit here waiting for you. Anticipating. Playing out all different situations and things i'd say. I dont wanna feel this way. Lied to. betrayed. Hurt.

Stop wanting to keep this, us, perfect, cause we arent. You arent. I see that now, you're just another jerk. Just another person i dont wanna give myself to. Except i'v already giving you all of me, and i dont know how to hate you. I love you.

Anymore of this, you, and i'll be numbed into oblivion.

Kissing the lipless.

Its been a few days, i haven't been feeling inspired to write. Not that im in a bleak-ish mood or anything. Just been having a rush of emotions: fear, confusion, anticipation, nostolgia, love, lust. It's crazy, i dont know.

This weekend was a fail, atleast saturday was, i hate his sarcastic comments and sardonic expressions. And his beautiful face.

Shannon's dinner party on friday was good, chinese, drinks and pretty friends. They're really pretty. And then judging a bunch of rock type kids at buckley's, dont know why we sat there criticising them, but only the death-loving-looking ones. Had a few shallow moments.

Note to self: try not to be shallow.

I've been planning the itinerary (which sounds way too professional) for the pathetic excuse of a holiday. One week, what the fuck. Trains to town. Trains to kalk bay. Camping with shrooms. It all comes down to alot of playtime.

This morning i realised how much of your attention i crave, i wish i didn't.

Back to reading that vampire novel, its the good kind, kinky almost. Not the glitter glowing gay type.

Extra math is gonna brain fuck me, i think i wont go today. Yes, i wont go.

dear heart.

todays a good day, i dont feel broken or hurt or think about you or even want to slap anybody.

all i can think about is how whimsicle and loopy she is, she makes me flutter, she gives my day music to dance to. she isn't anybody at all.

i cant find anybody that i could exactly tell my every thought to yet, the weird, doesn't-make-sense-but-makes-sense things. the deepest closest to my heart feelings.

i have that person, that gives me gives me enough to let him crawl that close to who i really am. but deep down i dont trust him, i dont trust me. i just have a wall that nobody, not even you, can completely demolish.

everybodys just a piece of something with a chip on the side that fits perfectly into somebody else chip. when that other persons chip fits so perfectly into yours and everything is perfect, you start to over think. you start to rip tiny pieces away from your own chip, moulding little chunks, just to be a fraction of their perfection. eventually when you try to fit your chip perfectly back into theirs in a comforting way, it just doesnt fit anymore. you tore away from something perfect cause you couldn't be satisfied or accept that you could have the perfect chip to fit theirs.

there i go again, ruining a good day with the voices in my head.

sunday bloody sunday

I cant make sense of it all,

You're suppose to be that one person, my one person, you know?

But, today, all that was crushed.

i'd do absolutely anything to be good enough for you. For you to want to show me off to the world and tell everybody im yours.

I'd rather go back to not giving a shit about anybody's feelings, i feel safer that way.

The hardest part? i have to smile for eveyone else to think eveythings still the same.

Nobody can hurt me when i simpily dont care.

If you dont know, now you know.

When i tell you those things, im not joking. I mean them.

And when i look away, it's cause i want to grab your face and kiss you untill you pull away gasping for air.

Yet you dont take me seriously, urg. Cause you're oblivious like that. Stupid in fact, that i even try.

Cause i'll always be a number.

Superstition.

When you love someone more than he loves you, you'll do anything to switch the scales.

You dress the way you think he'd like you to dress. You pick up his favourite figures of expression. You tell yourself that if you re-create yourself in his image, then he will crave you the same way you crave him.

When you are told you're someone you aren't, over and over, you begin to believe it. You live that life.

But you are wearing a mask, one that might slip if you aren't careful. You wonder what he will do when he finds out. You know you are bound to disappoint him.

There might be a moment when you think you've made him love you as much as you need him to.

But the truth is, there is no spell in the world that could ever even out the balance.

The one who cares less, always has the power.

sugercane.

aah, megan bought me these really nifty bottles of soda today.

they even had my name on it, with cool pictures on them.

my friends make me smile.

Different strokes.

When you try forcing a connection, its just a lie. You cant force a connection no matter how much you want it to be there.

I figured that out when i wanted you, to spend time with you, laugh with you. It wasn't as easy as i thought it would be.

When i pretend, its still just a lie, this is me. And im not what you want, atleast not exactly.

 Its just one big jolly fuckUP, and i still want to be the person you want.

Boo fuckety hoo

No, i want to get under my blankets!

I hate the rain.

The dark sky.

Grey clouds.

The cold.

I hate today.

Urg.

us.

I've hardly been outside my room in days,



'cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.


The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
And it was then I realized the conscience never fades.

When you're young you have this image of your life:
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost.
But I will fight for you, be sure that
I will fight until we're the special two once again.






And we will only need each other, we'll breathe together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'll bleed together,
These arms will not be taught to need another,
'Cause we were the special two.






I remember someone old once said to me:
"That lies will lock you up with truth the only key."
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
And couldn't see this place would soon become my hell.
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,
But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not let you down
'cause we were the special two, and we'll be again.






And we will only need each other, we'll breathe together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we can only see each other we'll bleed together,
These arms will not be taught to need another...

'cause we're the special two.

I step outside my mind's eye's for a minute.
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease,
Or something that could ease the pain.
But nothing cures the hurt you, you bring on by yourself,
Just remembering, just remembering how we were...






When we would only need each other, we'd breathe together,
Our hands would not be taught to hold another's,
We were the special two.

And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,

These arms would not be taught to need another,

'Cause we're the special two.

chungchung

so, i need new clothes,
not like when you just buy one item. i want a whole new stash,
 it makes me happy.

long street shopping seems more and more like a dandy idea.

the best clothes are from SORA, wish it was international. urg.

Rampant Gravity

Set me free,

Leave me be,

I dont want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Run home slow

From today, being way too trusting,

Naive,

That stupid seventeen year old girl. Yeah, not me anymore.

You can take every little lie, sweet talk, kiss,

& pretend you dont even know my name.

all of me - or nothing at all

lately, everybody seems more beautiful. they're all so much more vidid, colourful. i mean i'm so much more attracted to guys, girls, strangers.

i fall in love so easily, not love love. not ross love. whats love anyway??? okay, infatuation.

i become so fixated.

urg, why do i fall victim to this stupid love game everytime i meet someone that even remotely resembles a teeny tiny trait of you.

oh. fuck. thats right. cause you keep calling me (like lastnight at midnight) knowing im just gonna fall at your knees and give you what you need from me.

you have her.

 leave me alone.

atleast untill you want me, all of me, for real.

so stop, just STOP. 

she killed my ratio

just my daily dose of a girl crush,

girls are just so much hotter than guys.

nobody could ever say no to this!!!

Goodnight-BAD-morning

im writing this at 11am, after 4 tequila shots, already. i know, who drinks on a sunday? this early?
but its gonna be a long day here, at the indoor tournement.

so yesterday, geesh.
it started friday night drinking red wine and listenung to bob marley with becci and walking to the dam.

and then the next day baking apple pie and malva pudding with real thick custard. i totally fucked up that consistancy, it looked like cheese sauce. we were drinking cocktails with Gancia (this really good stuff i brought back from Argentina a few months ago) after a few friends came over, we drank and drank and ended up deciding to go streaking....we actually started rubbung asses and boobs...no wait ass fives??? i dont know but it felt quite normal at the time, now im just like wtf were we thinking. i love my friends. wow.

we went back home and started doing weird ass things like girl on girl dry humping, doggy style.
it was like one mass clothed orgy with music, drinks, smokes and friends.

singstar didnt work out. no playstation, so we broke into courtney's house to get the playstaion only to realise its broken after driving all the way.

then more music and drinking games.

now im just gonna spend this sunday getting drunk -again.

ross and i have to make a video, time to make some really funny shit.

kay, gottta stop writing im being summoned to the bar.

time to get smashed, hey tomorrows a damn public holiday.

amphetaMEANIE

Hi,
Maybe you know me, maybe you dont.
If my glamours lifestyle seems appealing to you,

and you want to try me because there is nothing better to do
let me give you some real good advice,
your decision is foolish and you better think twice.

I'm destroying your homes, I tear families apart
I'll take your children and that's just the start!!
I'm more valued than silver and more precious than gold,
the sorrows i bring are a sight to behold.

If you need me remember I'm easily found,
I live all around-in schools and in town.
I live with the rich; i live with the poor,
or just down the road or maybe next door.

I'm made in a lab but not like you think.
I can be produced easily under your kitchen sink.
In your child's closet or even in the woods,
and if that scares you to death,
Well it certainly should..

I have many names,
but there's one you know best,
I'm certain you know me ,
my name is CRYSTAL METH

My power is awesome, just try me you'll see
but know if you do, you'll never break free!!

If you try me just once, i might let you go,
but if you try me twice, I've won your soul.
and when i seduce you, you'll steal and lie,
you'll do whatever it takes just to get high.
you'll lie to your mothers and steal from your dad.
when you see their tears, you mustn't feel sad.

You'll forget all your morals and how you were raised,
for I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I will take everything from you-
your good looks and pride.

I will be with you always right by your side.
I'll take and take until you have no more to give,
and when I'm finished, you'll be lucky to live!!

so if you try me be WARNED,
THIS IS NOT A GAME!!

If you give me a chance, I'll drive you INSANE!!

I'll decay your body, I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine!

The nightmares I'll send you while lying in bed,
and the demons voices"screaming" inside your head.

You'll regret you tried me they always do
but you came to me, not I to you.
you knew this would happen,
so many times you were told,
but you challenged my power, you chose to be bold

you could have said no, and just walk away.

If you could live that day over just what would you say?

My power is awesome as I told you before,
you'll think there is a phantom behind every door.
so go ahead and cuss me with every breath,
just make your choice, will it be LIFE or METH???

Now that you met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or NOT--- its all up to you

I can show you more misery than these words can tell,

Come take my hand--and I'll lead you straight to----

HELL!!!

This is for you, i know you'll never read it,
but where ever you are i hope you're still okay.

Even though you've fucked it all up and i wished you'd quit,
i still love you

primetime sexcrime

God, really, well done on this one.

alice.

S[he] be[lie]ve[d]

When he swears on everything, that he's telling th truth. Telling you that you mean the world to him.

He'd never do that. He's never done that. Why would he lie?

He promised. You love him. So you believe. You give. You trust.

Then you find out that he did. He does it all the time.

You mean nothing to him. He lied. You believed. You gave. He took it all & then he left.

Day one.

so, the first post.

i dont know just yet, but this will be a bunch of stuff that i'll try to organise, as me.

anything and everything. infinite.

whatever.