Infectious laugh.

I've been dating ross for 3years and 3months now. I've never been in a relationship for this long. Ever. I mean, i use to date alot, and alot at the same time. It was fun, frolicky, devilish even.

I want that again, not feeling too much for anybody so i couldn't be touched, i couldn't be hurt. I couldn't be phased. I was the one hurting, lying, mind fucking everybody else. It was what i was good at.

Now im just a sucker for him. I act so lunatic at times that i sit and actually ask my self what the hell were you thinking when you did that or said those idiotic things. Im a dork, completely and utterly stupefied for love.

My point is that for him, i do the most anserine things. Im plummy and its hapless. Pathetic. Silly. Wretched.

Im damaged.

Damn you.

I can't give it up, to someone else's touch-because i care to much.

No more hanging around, being able to do anything you want, anytime. Holiday - over. C'est tres deprement!!!

I've had quite a swell time the past couple of days. I went to my brother on wednesday, boys' varsity res's are cool. Well when they walk into rooms with towels flashing abs. Thursday with bronwin, my rather older sister was the best. She makes me happy, well atleast now that i don't live with her. I guess time together makes us fight.

Megan got her own car, so she took nicola and i up to signal hill, that pathetic excuse for a hike killed me, it was probably only like a 100m. We decided that smoking a J up there would be fit. We drove around town, bought some 6packs, picked up ross and got drinking. We were quite tiddly before 12pm no wait was it 2? I dont know, inebriated nonetheless. It was quite a successful afternoon. We probably should have stopped there cause we all had major downer's after that.

The rest of the weekend was decent, well more than that. Ross and i blew up an air-o-space mattress, threw it into the pool. We caught some really award winning tans. Im falling in love all over again, cliche or not i don't care. I can't remember what i did when i didn't know him. Smitten once again, not that i ever wasn't.

Lifes good, for now. Im happy. And him, his just toying with my mind. Giving me options didn't make me think about him, it just drove me back to what i knew i wanted. I don't want him, i don't even fancy him a tiny bit. When you've been with somebody that makes your entire world seem like a big playground or make you exceedingly happy , you can't go back to mediocrity. Chaste, plain, featureless, you.

Chinese children.

Mom's capped the internet. The reason for me not blogging so often. It's ridiculous, im the only one that uses it so how could i have killed all those bytes. I get carried away on the superficial world of the web. Not at all in a weird -i sit behind my computer all day - way.

My lifes been one big rush the past few weeks. And the next couple of days getting off is going to be grand. I've been with ross alot, when i say alot i mean everyday. We're patching it up, whatever it is. We have to fix it, because no matter how hard i try to convince myself that i don't need to be with him. I know its all i have. And if he wasn't there, what would there be?
Maybe thats just be drinking myself into a stupor, drinking in all of him. And some liquor too.

Im posting from ross's bed, from my mobile. I need to get my shit sorted out and get these here posts looking dandy.

Im going to fall asleep listening to Simon & Garfunkle. Never fails to let me slip away.

all of me - or nothing at all

lately, everybody seems more beautiful. they're all so much more vidid, colourful. i mean i'm so much more attracted to guys, girls, strangers.

i fall in love so easily, not love love. not ross love. whats love anyway??? okay, infatuation.

i become so fixated.

urg, why do i fall victim to this stupid love game everytime i meet someone that even remotely resembles a teeny tiny trait of you.

oh. fuck. thats right. cause you keep calling me (like lastnight at midnight) knowing im just gonna fall at your knees and give you what you need from me.

you have her.

 leave me alone.

atleast untill you want me, all of me, for real.

so stop, just STOP.