Linger.

I haven't been here for awhile and so much as happened.

We broke up, and it felt like things were falling apart. But when everything you've ever wanted can be epitomised by one person, its inevitable that you're going to give into them. That they'll win, that you gonna have no more strength left to fight against what both of you want. And, even though he fucked up, whats the point of not being together if you know that nobody else will ever match up or come close to them? Right?

Or have i slipped back into the naively stupified by love state that i worked so so hard to climb out of?

What you won't do, do for love. You've tried everything, but you don't give up...i've been listening to this song all of last week. Tupac's made nostolgia a whole new emotion.

When you break up with somebody but still spend everyday with them, it doesn't really serve the same purpose, so i give up. Im yours.

Infectious laugh.

I've been dating ross for 3years and 3months now. I've never been in a relationship for this long. Ever. I mean, i use to date alot, and alot at the same time. It was fun, frolicky, devilish even.

I want that again, not feeling too much for anybody so i couldn't be touched, i couldn't be hurt. I couldn't be phased. I was the one hurting, lying, mind fucking everybody else. It was what i was good at.

Now im just a sucker for him. I act so lunatic at times that i sit and actually ask my self what the hell were you thinking when you did that or said those idiotic things. Im a dork, completely and utterly stupefied for love.

My point is that for him, i do the most anserine things. Im plummy and its hapless. Pathetic. Silly. Wretched.

Im damaged.

Damn you.

sweet delirium.

No matter how hard i try to make it better. I cant.

Theres always gonna be something else, another thing you succumb to. Another thing that trumps me. And to be honest, i dont want it. I dont want to be second to anything else. I want as much from you as i give to you.

Seeing you doesn't seem to help, cause your words, your smile, your hungry kisses, your slightest touch lets me fall back into the sweet delirium that just having you suffices.

But it doesn't. Not anymore.

And now this? Again. Its ripping me apart.

When its all over and done. I need to see beyond my trivial reasoning.

all of me - or nothing at all

lately, everybody seems more beautiful. they're all so much more vidid, colourful. i mean i'm so much more attracted to guys, girls, strangers.

i fall in love so easily, not love love. not ross love. whats love anyway??? okay, infatuation.

i become so fixated.

urg, why do i fall victim to this stupid love game everytime i meet someone that even remotely resembles a teeny tiny trait of you.

oh. fuck. thats right. cause you keep calling me (like lastnight at midnight) knowing im just gonna fall at your knees and give you what you need from me.

you have her.

 leave me alone.

atleast untill you want me, all of me, for real.

so stop, just STOP.